Managed to "repair" this laptop (dead battery, hard drive reporting constant ATA errors) and decided to throw #GarudaLinux on it for the heck of it, try something new.
Sure it's #ArchLinux based, but it's definitely a keeper. Especially once this isn't tied to a stupidly loose cable. Then it'll genuinely be the smallest device in my collection, barring a Surface. And I might take it over said Surface.